Incarceration puts enormous strain on every type of relationship, marriages, partnerships, parent-child bonds, friendships, and family connections of all kinds. The distance, the communication barriers, the financial stress, and the emotional weight of the situation test relationships in ways that most couples and families are not prepared for. This section covers how to maintain a healthy relationship during incarceration, how to navigate jealousy, suspicion, and communication breakdowns when contact is limited to calls and letters, what the research shows about relationships that survive incarceration versus those that do not, how to support a partner or family member emotionally from the outside, and how to approach the changes that both people go through during a long sentence. The guidance here is honest about the difficulty while being realistic about what is possible with consistent effort and genuine commitment. See also our sections on Family Services, Visitation, and Marriage in Prison.
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Subject: Relationship issues
Not all of them, but enough that the question is one of the most common ones that lands in this archive.
There are men inside who genuinely value their relationship and are faithful through their entire sentence. That is real and it happens. But incarceration creates conditions that test people in ways that are hard to predict, and not everyone passes that test. The honest answer is that you already know which category your man falls into better than anyone outside...
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NO, never. Imagine how that would work out...:/
Subject: Relationship issues
No one can answer that with certainty, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not being straight with you. What we can do is look at the situation clearly and talk about what actually protects people in your position.
A conviction for murder combined with a subsequent protective order violation tells you something important: this is a person who has demonstrated both the capacity for lethal violence and a willingness to disregard legal boundaries meant to keep someone safe. That combination...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
What exactly are you asking? Will he hurt you emotionally or hurt you physically? If we are talking emotional like,is he going to leave me when he gets out? There is a lot I can share on this subject if you write back. You know this person better than anyone. What signs are even causing you to ask.
If we are talking physical, then the advice would be to seek shelter with someone you can trust, try to find a place...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
There is no way to find out. The inmate's privacy is maintained in the strictest of confidence. You cannot get a health update, find out who is visiting, who they are calling, writing or getting money from.
Subject: Relationship issues
The prison system never wants to get in the middle of the flow of mail from the US Postal Service. Inmate mail is considered sacred, the facility wants the inmates connected in some way to a loved one or more on the outside - postal mail is the most reliable and least expensive. They are more likely to be good inmates, quietly do their time and not come back. That is why they encourage and promote the flow of mail. Even...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Do not stop trying. Letters and pictures are an easy and inexpensive way to keep the faith. Do it for the children for sure.
Subject: Relationship issues
Yes, and the approach to getting it approved is worth understanding clearly. This situation came up with my own step-children, and the way to frame the request makes a real difference.
Correctional facilities are evaluated in part by their recidivism rates, meaning how often their released inmates come back. Funding and reputation flow to facilities with low rates, so wardens and administrators have a genuine institutional interest in anything that reduces the likelihood of reoffending. Family connection is one of the...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
No. The inmates are entitled to privacy in prison too. If you think he is calling someone, you know him better than anyone, he probably is.
Subject: Relationship issues
Pushing people away during incarceration is more common than most people admit, and the reasons are usually understandable even when the outcome is painful. Shame, pride, a desire to protect loved ones from the reality of the situation, or simply the emotional difficulty of maintaining relationships under those circumstances can all create distance that feels permanent but often is not.
A letter is the right first move for a reason. A phone call puts the other person on the spot and...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
If the relationship is genuinely over and there is no contact between you, visiting another inmate is your personal choice and not something that requires anyone else's approval.
Respect and disrespect in this context are entirely subjective. What one person considers a betrayal another considers a completely reasonable exercise of personal freedom, particularly after a relationship has ended. The question worth sitting with is not whether your ex would approve, because that approval is not yours to seek once a relationship...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
There is no way to find out, the information even for inmates is completely private. Only the inmate and the administration knows who sends money, sends mail, phone call list and visitation list.
Subject: Relationship issues
The honest answer, from someone who has been there, is that most inmates would want more from a pen pal relationship if they could have it. The environment of incarceration strips away so much that the arrival of a letter from someone who genuinely cares becomes disproportionately meaningful. That magnified significance can easily be mistaken for deep romantic connection on both sides.
There is also something specific to being locked up that makes inmates more present, more thoughtful, and more emotionally...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Most do not survive, and the honest numbers are sobering. Very few relationships make it past the 18-month mark when a long sentence is involved, and the ones that do are genuinely the exception rather than the rule.
What makes it harder to understand is that the breakdown does not always happen the way people expect. It is not always the person on the outside who walks away. Some of the most painful stories involve women who held it down completely,...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Yes, I had a couple of pen pals who rode out my bid with me. One I met in the visiting room (she was visiting another inmate), where we had a physical attraction. That pen pal seemed more real to me, I made greater efforts to let myself be more open than the one who just started writing me (from a news account of my trial). Neither went beyond the intimate letters and occasional phone calls. They bought me magazines...
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