Incarceration puts enormous strain on every type of relationship, marriages, partnerships, parent-child bonds, friendships, and family connections of all kinds. The distance, the communication barriers, the financial stress, and the emotional weight of the situation test relationships in ways that most couples and families are not prepared for. This section covers how to maintain a healthy relationship during incarceration, how to navigate jealousy, suspicion, and communication breakdowns when contact is limited to calls and letters, what the research shows about relationships that survive incarceration versus those that do not, how to support a partner or family member emotionally from the outside, and how to approach the changes that both people go through during a long sentence. The guidance here is honest about the difficulty while being realistic about what is possible with consistent effort and genuine commitment. See also our sections on Family Services, Visitation, and Marriage in Prison.
Related InmateAid Services
Subject: Relationship issues
We have heard of instances where this has happened, but when you hear about it, the guard has been indicted, arrested or imprisoned themselves. It happens but it's not the smartest idea for them to throw their life away for a quickie.
Subject: Relationship issues
Inside the facility, partner notification is complicated by the fact that sexual activity between inmates is officially prohibited, which means acknowledging who a person's sexual partners are inside requires admitting to conduct that can result in disciplinary action. In practice, prison health services may attempt contact tracing, particularly for serious infections like HIV, but the process is inconsistent and often limited by the same bureaucratic and privacy constraints that apply in any healthcare setting.
For partners on the outside, the situation...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Yes, and the channels through which information reaches someone inside are more numerous than most people on the outside realize.
Inmates receive letters, emails, and phone calls from multiple people. Anyone on the outside who knows both of you and has access to him through any of those channels can pass along information, true or embellished, without you ever knowing it happened. People who want to cause problems in a relationship have a direct line in through the same communication systems...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Prison is a time for reflection and inmates who really allow themselves to open up and take responsibility for their actions tend to look for reassurance from the ones they have counted on in the past. The flip side to this is that the inmate is just using you to get commissary money and to have an outside contact to keep connected to the outside world. You will have to use your instincts to know which it is since you...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Most people inside would tell you the same thing, being out with family and friends is what they miss the most.
Incarceration takes away:
Freedom to make your own choices
Daily contact with loved ones
Simple things like privacy, routine, and comfort
Even in lower security settings, it is still a controlled environment where:
Every movement is scheduled
Communication is limited
Personal connections become very important
That is why letters, calls, and visits matter so much. They help maintain a connection to the outside world and remind someone of what...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
You can file for and receive a divorce from an inmate, as long as the presiding judge does not hold it up - for reasons that might have to do with the incarceration. The inmate is NOT provided an attorney but will have to respond to the documents that are served to him in the prison. He can hire an outside attorney to file for him or do it himself (sometimes with the assistance of a paralegal inmate that helps...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
None of the choices are "the best", and he is going to take it hard no matter how you deliver it. Our advice is to get it over sooner rather than later so that he has time to heal. In person, if he is likely to make a scene this would be the least favorable. On the phone, you only have 15 minutes, and in a letter you can really think about what you want to say. Therefore, we think...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
You have to believe what you see with your eyes. You say it's on the rocks, incarceration is not a remedy for broken relationships. If he is writing and you are not getting the letters, then you might try calling his counselor or the mail room and inquire IF he is sending mail. If there are no letters, what is there to fight about...? Only you know your man, was he true to you before he went in, then we...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
try calling the facility and ask to speak to the chaplain
Subject: Relationship issues
Follow that instinct. It is the right one.
People who end up incarcerated, even for a short stretch, often find themselves suddenly very alone. Friends pull back, professional relationships go quiet, and the public embarrassment of the situation can make someone feel like the people who admired them must now think less of them. Hearing from someone who genuinely looks up to them during that period carries more weight than you might expect.
Your letter does not need to be complicated or...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Fear is a big part of how every inmate deals with their time. Fear of losing support is real and it makes many inmates anxious as it is often tied to finanacial support. The anxiety leads to paranoia and before you know it, there are accusations and fights on the phone that will make both of you miserable. Since communication is limited, it's hard to keep the intimacy and feelings going strong without significant effort.
The isolation that the inmate experiences...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Yes, it is worth paying attention to, but it is also worth understanding what is likely driving it before drawing conclusions.
Distance in letters from someone who is incarcerated is extremely common, particularly in the early months of a sentence. He is sitting with a lot. Depression, shame, anxiety about what is happening on the outside, and an imagination that tends toward the worst possible scenarios are all standard features of the early incarceration experience. The distance you are feeling in...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
Do not give up on someone just because they are going through a hard time. That instinct to stay connected is worth following.
People in prison lose contact with friends faster than almost anything else in their lives. The stigma, the distance, the awkwardness of not knowing what to say, all of it causes people to quietly disappear from an incarcerated person's life one by one. By the time someone has been inside for a year, the circle of people still...
Read moreSubject: Relationship issues
no, inmates are entitled to privacy too
Subject: Relationship issues
Being in a relationship with someone you can't actually BE in a relationship with is a maddening process that rarely makes it through the bid if it's more than a few years. The inmate has a vivid imagination of what you are (might) doing while he's locked up (even if you haven't even been tempted). That makes him unjustly angry. You're picturing other women communicating with him, even visiting. The trust between you deteriorates becasue of the lack of real...
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